A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"Well, I'm a panda," he says. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."
Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a beer and asks the bartender how much he owes. The bartender replies, “For you? No charge.”
Одна из тех, которые вспоминаются навскидку - шутка из "Криминального Чтива":
Three tomatoes are walking down the street:
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and little Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets angry.
Goes back, then squishes him and says: "Ketchup"
классика)
Army doctor: Have you any physical defects?
Inductee: Yes. No guts
или
Proud Father: our household represents the whole United Kingdom. I'm English, my wife's Irish, the nurse represents Scotland, and the baby wails.
Что значит no guts?
Анекдот из замечательного фильма 28 Days Later:
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, "Oi. You can't leave that lyin' there." And the man says, "No. It's not a lion. It's a giraffe."
про шитцу можете разъяснить ? )
Шутка Барни из "Как я встретил вашу маму":
What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can’t peanut butter your dick up someone’s ass.